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The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

A Scientific Inquiry into Santa Claus

The Kid with Santa at MOA
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding & etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) could pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9 reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat up the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-lb Santa (seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force.

If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

How to be Annoying

1. Drum on every available surface.
2. Remove every line of someone's file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
3. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
4. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
5. Ask 800 operators for dates.
6. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
7. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
8. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
9. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
11. Set alarms for random times.Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
12. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
13. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
14. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
15. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
16. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
17. Honk and wave to strangers.
18. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
19. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
20. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
21. Wear your pants backwards.Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
22. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
23. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
24. Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
25. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
26. only type in lowercase.
27. dont use any punctuation either
28. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
29. Pay for your dinner with pennies.Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
30. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
31. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
32. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
33. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
34. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
35. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
36. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
37. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
38. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
39. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
40. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
41. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
42. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
43. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
44. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
45. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
46. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
47. Drive half a block.
48. Name your dog "Dog"
49. .Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
50. Ask people what gender they are.
51. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
52. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
53. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
54. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
55. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
56. Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
57. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
58. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr Rogers theme song.
59. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
60. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
61. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
62. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
63. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
64. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
65. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
66. Wear a LOT of cologne.
67. Ask to "interface" with someone.
68. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
69. Sing along at the opera.Mow your lawn with scissors.
70. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
71. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
72. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
73. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook.
74. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
75. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
76. Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
77. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
78. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
79. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
80. Never make eye contact.Never break eye contact.
81. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
82. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
83. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
84. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
85. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.Make appointments for the 31st of September.
86. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Dade, umuli ta pay a

"Dade, umuli ta pay a" Daddy, akyat pa tayo..... Sabi ng boi ko nung pumunta kami sa baguio. Tatlong bundok na yata naakyat namin, enjoy na enjoy pa rin ang boi ko sa kaka stroll namin.. Siyempre nga naman, di siya napapagod e. hehehe E ako, kulang na lang lumabas dila ko't makita ngala ngala ko... pero enjoy pa rin ako, basta kasama ko boi ko at masaya siya.... masaya na rin ako... boooo, umili ta pay a....

Ang Post na Hindi Miki

Yan po ang post na di na miki. Sa tinagal tagal na bagong post dito sa bahay ko, napanis na yung miki sa baba... hehehehe wala lang trip lang... tsaka me acces na ulit ako diyo sa ofis... yehey!!!